From the Crystal and Violence series.
"I haven't slept for two days and I think I would like to go home!" I thought to myself. I know my husband is waiting for me but I am so afraid. I'm afraid that we will get into another fight. What do ya do when you're afraid? Do you trust that fear and stay away? Or, face your fear and possibly put yourself in a situation that really could be avoided? Now that sounds like someone who has been up for two days! Honestly, it's gotten to the point where I don't know what to do. Our arguments have been getting more and more violent lately. And worst of all, this is a pattern that I am just starting to realize.
I'd never say anything like this to him. He tells me, "I don't want you to live with me anymore!" in one breath, but then gets mad if I don't come home. I can't decide what to do about his anger. Well, I don't decide because I'm so confused, so I think. Why don't I figure this out? Is it the speed? Is it that he's right and I am a terrible boyfriend? Or, are we just ignoring the fact that after five years we aren't in love anymore? Does he think of this stuff too? Does he think about what it sounds like to hear, "I am not in love with you. When I'm done with these DV classes you're going to be thrown to the curb - something I should have done a long time ago!"?
I am beginning to believe that he really doesn't want me there, although, he's going to be very upset and crying because he hasn't known where I was. And I will comfort him. I will tell him, "I'm sorry I didn't call." But two days ago he said that he didn't want me there. Then, he wants to know where I've been and this is where I have issues. I don't want to lie, but I know that he will be violent if I tell him the truth.
All I can do, at the moment, is spin my wheels and keep my brain preoccupied with: a) as many drugs as I can get my hands on, b) those damn chat lines, c) my penis, d) Oh my god! And that boy over there...
Scenes of the drama race violently around my brain as I make my way back home. The anxiety is breeding tension as I get closer. This tension is scaring me; I can't understand why. Not understanding is making me mad, at myself. "Why am I so stupid?" He is going to kick my ass, and I am waltzing right back for some more. I tell myself, "No, not this time. He was crying, begging me to come back home!"
I hesitate at the door... but enter anyway. It's happened before. Why do I lie to myself? Fifty dollars a week for almost a year and the State ordered domestic violence classes did absolutely no good. Three different treatment programs for me, also very expensive. Still we try.
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